Here’s the full-length film of Tony’s work with Hannah. Then scroll down for 3 strategies for you to use at home with your child 
Despite the great variety of family and parenting styles in the world, there is one basic assumption we Strategic Interventionists find to be helpful in most any situation. The assumption is: in any family unit, the child is trying to be helpful, even if it takes an unhelpful form. Hannah was a loving, reasonable, intelligent thirteen year old girl who suffered from despondency and suicide attempts. Why? Well, turns out that her negative behavior was a benevolent but misguided attempt to keep her parents together. By keeping the parents distracted, in a state of emergency, they were “forced” to cooperate and cohabitate. And so Hannah’s emotional troubles served, in a weird way that was only perceived by her, to “rescue” the family. Now, the truth is that these unhelpful behaviors weren’t actually helping her parents. Hannah’s crisis didn’t make the parents happy, it kept them distracted. When Tony understood her underlying intention, when he understood her helpful reasons for her unhelpful behaviors, he understood how she could change her behavior permanently within that one conversation.
Here are three take-aways for you from this session:
1. UNDERSTAND THE INTENTION
Children are often trying to help, even if it takes an unhelpful form. When a child has a challenge or behavior that is hard to understand, consider the possibility that the problem behavior is the child’s way of trying to distract you from something else. A child has very little power in the family – except to demand and direct your attention. For instance, a small child’s tantrums may be benevolent attempts to distract the parents from other problems in the family – for instance a disagreement between the parents. A teenager’s sulkiness may mask concern about the family, the parents, or a sibling. The child’s behavior may actually be unhelpful, because children don’t understand the adult world, but the behavior succeeds in distracting people from a more threatening relationship problem.
Your take-away: If a child is continuously displaying a behavior that disrupts the family pattern, ask yourself: how could he/she be trying to help the family? How is this problem distracting our focus from another source of tension or stress?
2. REASSURE THE CHILD
If you want to replace an unhelpful behavior, show your child in a reassuring way that the behavior is not necessary. If a child’s problem has been distracting from, for examples, the parents’ arguments, then reassure the child that the parents will be able to manage their relationship in a good way. For instance, the parents can reassure the child that they love each other, or they can unite in positive family activities. When the parents reassure the child that they can get along, they show the child that they don’t need to be “rescued” by a problem or crisis. How can you reassure your child that you’re doing well? Parents can do something concrete to improve their relationship – like setting up a date night once or twice a week. When the child sees the parents are able to handle any tensions or issues with each other, the child won’t feel needed as a “rescuer” and will be more able to let go of the distracting behavior.
Your take-away: When your child has a disruptive problem, ask yourself, “how could I reassure my child in a loving way that I can handle this?” Remember – the child is doing this from love and care. You need to respond with love, reassurance, and care as well.
3. GUIDE THE NEW BEHAVIOR
Guide the child find other more positive ways of helping you. If he or she has been getting your attention with their tantrums, give them something else they can do that will automatically get your attention. For instance, create a ritual where every evening he or she can invite you to play a board game, and you must accept the invitation. Take up a hobby together that you do for 15 minutes a day. Sometimes a child will take great pride in organizing a special dinner for the parents at home, with special table settings and candlelight. Empower your child to get your attention in good ways, and to help you in ways that are positive and not destructive, and the old behaviors will be replaced.
Your take away: If your child is getting your attention through tantrums and problem behaviors, give your child MANY ways to get your full attention without requiring the problem. You can even give you child a “code word.” Tell your child “Whenever you use this magic word, you will always get my full attention, and I will help you.” This will reassure your child and teach them to find better ways to get your input.
Questions? Thoughts? Please share below. We will be announcing a free teleclass and would love to answer your questions.
Warmly,
Mark Peysha
CEO and cofounder
Robbins-Madanes Training
Works with adults, too.
In our family, I’m the Dad. I work a lot. It’s a necessity, these days, just to make ends meet.
My daughter understands this, and gave me for Christmas a big red sign that says “Do Not Enter” that I put on my office door whenever I’m busy with work, need to concentrate, and cannot be interrupted.
The rule is: NO ONE is to disturb Dad when this sign is up! No exceptions.
UNLESS:
1. The house is on fire.
2. There’s another similar emergency happening.
3. Someone is the family needs Dad emotionally.
If any of these three rules applies, family members are allowed (encouraged!) to open the door, interrupt Dad, tell him of the emergency, and get his support. Under these circumstances, Dad will ALWAYS completely drop whatever he’s doing give his FULL AND UNDIVIDED ATTENTION to the issue at hand. No exceptions.
Unfortunately, my wife sometimes feel neglected as a result of my desire to work and be productive. So, we have a code word that she can use, when she truly must do so, in order to take care of herself and know that I love and support her.
She says “I need you.”
When I hear that phrase, it makes no difference how I’m feeling or what I’m doing. It all goes away, and all that matters is her.
She does this rarely, maybe once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less … and that’s the key. She’s honest about it. She doesn’t abuse the privilege. So I KNOW that when she says she needs me, she really DOES need me, and of course what I really want to do is make her happy (not watch hockey, or read Huffington Post, or whatever), so I comply, gladly, with gratitude that I have a wife who needs me, instead of someone who can’t stand the sight of me.
Using these kind of agreements, code words, special signs, etc. (essentially, declaring and honoring reasonable personal boundaries) has worked miracles for us as a family.
Very powerful. What a master! I love your teachings,
it helps to see all walks of beings bring their
feelings out from your challenges.
Tony, I!m this small business guy in Rio de janeiro, Brazil who’s been following your work for the last decade. I keep in mind and try to use your strategies which have been very helpfull, specially in helpless times.
Thank You.
My gorgeous girlfriend who happens to be a psycologist didn’t know you until recently and I had the privilege to refer you. She teaches theater and behavioral classes here in Rio. We would like to take one of seminars sometime. Aren’t you ever coming to Brazil? Maybe we can help you set it up!
By the way, I lived in Venice, L.A. for a few years. My Brazilian sister still lives there. she lost her job and is very depressed and I tell you, she could really use your help.
I doubt you will respond this message, bur it is sent anyway.
thanks again!
Fernando Nagy
My son does nothing he goes to his room and plays computer games or watches movies.
He does not look like he is trying to distract us from a greater problem.
I am very busy. is he waiting for me to stop to share time with him?
Is he keeping out of the way to avoid upsetting the family equilibrium?
How would you know? I need to talk to him don’t I?
Thanks for your understanding and help.
To Tony,
I couldn’t believe how this video had me crying in thirty seconds! And well worth the cry just to see this transformation and read your clear explanation.
You are one talented, beautiful soul–you teach others to accept and understand how they are also beautiful and how they can learn/deserve to live with happiness.
Thank you for your gifts to us all.
Paula
Jerusalem
Tony you are an inspiration, I have been doing NLP for about 12 mths and It has been so hard to get the clients in. I can understand the reframing, pattern interupts that you do. if you are a smooth road then I am a bolder covered land scape. watching the way you help people brings me to tears and gives me the driver to never give up finding a way to improve the way I do things. So that i too can help as many people as possible find themselves and live happy healthy lives. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I only hope one day to have the opertunity to meet you in person one day to shake your hand and say thank you in person.
Tony
You did it again! What would I have given to have someone help me the way you did Hannah! I was a grieving teenager, too! My parents loved each other dearly but were absolutely unable to live peacefully. They were never able to accept and understand each other’s love. And though I never attempted suicide, I definitely became the rebellious and problem teenager in my house. For this reason, I hold teenagers especially dear and my decision to become a teacher trainer stems -to a great degree- from this. If I can serve teenagers by making teachers understand how special and wonderful they are, I will feel satisfied. A word can make a whole difference in a teenagers’ life.
Thank you for caring – not everybody is willing to listen to teenagers. You had me crying, laughing, nodding, what a great film!
Thank you again and blessed be!
Jennie Creel (from Queretaro, Mexico)
as i a male i too feel not understood. I too cannot let go
THis is the most amazing video on so many levels. I cried, I laughed, and I recognised so much of this. Ironically I too have a daughter Hannah, who is turning 12. Seemed even more that I was meant to see this.
I am so grateful for the ‘Gentle Giant’ and he will forever remain an inspiration.
Thank you.
In Australia alone, 1 person completes suicide every 4 hours. The statistics are not even accurate about the attempts, this video is a wonderful example of turning your life aroun. Absolutely brilliant coaching.
I have gotten out of the pattern I was stuck in since 7yrs old about 5 weeks ago. At age 33 i finally seen that I was stuck in the depressed/anger crazy eight. Any ways after watching this I finally understand why I started that pattern at 7yrs old. I had made the choice of carving a new path 5 weeks ago even if I didn’t know at the time why it started then. Now I know why I did. But the most rewarding thing for me is I kept on being intentional about staying out of that pattern and my husband helped greatly the second he would sense me sliding off course. And I have felt more free, happy, and depression free just by gut determination about being intentional about NOT choosing depression!
Wonderful film, educational and moving, and inspiring – as usual
THANK YOU CHRIS for the first comment above, great to hear how your family puts such good techniques into practise – wish my Dad had been like you!
And THANK YOU other commenters too, I enjoy reading the responses and often find them helpful as well.
Blessings to your quest Jennie Creel, absolutely agree how much difference a single word, or even just a look/smile can make, whatever about some proper ‘full attention’..
Tony, you have this ability to look into the soul and heal.I have this burning desire to help people and get them to the next level. You are a master and that is why I signed up for your course to become a strategic interventionist.”I love you man.”
Tony, you have this ability to look into the soul and heal. I have this passion to help people get to the next level and that is exactly why I am taking your course to become a Strategic Interventionist. I love you man.
Wow! Thank you for a very powerful video. It makes us all re-think our backgrounds, up bringings, who we are and what is important to us. Importantly the behaviour is not the person and we need to take time to understand the person. Thank you once again.
Tony you are an Amazing master in Human behavioral patterns,and solutions expert !!!!!!! wow
Loved this segment. I had not to long ago several months that my cousin son committed suicid . It came as a shock to the family his parents were divorce but deep inside of him he thought he was the cause and in a conversation a month before he had commented that he was going to get his parents together this we found out after his death but who he confined this did not think he was serious. He was 17 yr old a quiet ,respectfull, timid always lonely. How can a parent detect this kind of behaviour? Please do a video so we can see the patherns. Thanks love your teaching hope soon to meet you Tony.
Dear Tony,
Sincere thanks for the great display of wit and show of path to new life.
your video has grounded me at a time of doubt …thanks
hearing Tony assist this young lady deal with her family issues forced me to re-focus & work at improving my quality
of life.
Tony, you know people so well, and you care about them so much, that you are able to change a person’s life in an extremely short time. Hannah is such an intelligent girl that she understood what you were talking about from the beginning. She was open and honest enough to talk about her life in front of this large crowd. It was absolutely amazing to watch this video of her growing in understanding right before our eyes. I know you’ve heard this before, but truly, you are a genius and every one of us benefits from your compassion and knowledge. Thank you.
WHAT A BRILLIANT BREAKTHROUGH!! Thanks so much for posting this!!
Hannah – Well done!
Tony, you are truly an amazing person!
Dear Tony,
I was deeply touched by this session with Hannah, I am very impressed with the way you conduct an amazing session of Internalizing, and to see the changes taking place right in front was really something.
Your approach helped me personally and professionally, I would like to be in touch with you as your student where I can learn a lot and that would help my work with special children and Care Givers from Rural and slum areas of India.
Warm Regards,
Manohar
Hi, this story moved me. At this point in my life, this is season of being confused. And every little distinction makes a difference,like remember good memories about someone and hold to those not to the painful one. You can move with that, you are not stuck in the past event.
Inspiring, brilliant. Thank you Tony, Chloe, Mark and all the people who have made such valuable comments and applied these tools in their lives
Woow!! As Always… Tony is Pure Magic… He has these Amazing Abilities to Help people… He was able to bring out the very Best in that sweet girl Hannah. Sharing This video is going to save thousands of families and build healthy foundations for coming generations.
The genius of Tony Robbins again. I am so looking forward to deepening my learning of his strategies by attending either UPW or DWD. And yes, once again I had tears in my eyes! Thanks for these continued brilliant insights. Stuart
All fine and good if the parents ARE staying together in their relationship. What if parents intend to and will separate, in spite of the child’s efforts. Then all the reassurance in the world will not save the situation and the child’s efforts will have been in vain. Any thoughts?
Watching this video has been like a cure for my own younger self who had suicidal thoughts and was the problem child in the family. I too felt like I was not understood or loved or valued and I also had the desire to sing, just like Hannah, instead I have been drawn into service through hypnotherapy and counselling. I know that everything happens for a reason and I cant help but feel this video was sent at such the right time for me. It is so beautiful how you can help and heal without even being with you in person.
I really feel like the ‘Hannah’ part of me is being healed now, freeing me to serve the world in a bigger and better way.
Thank you so much for your example Tony. I hope one day to meet you in person, maybe one day soon we could even do some work together!
Thanks so much for being the star that you are. The world needs you.
Hugs,
Mary Jane
I believe Tony to be such a power house. This video touched me deeply, i cried and cried as i watched the process between he and Hannah unfold. As a psychology/therapy grad, At first i felt Tony wasn’t listening closely enough to Hannah; and that some of his techniques were a little crude, and that he was quite directive. Yet, his approach worked on so many levels, not least that it saved a young woman. He was able to connect with Hannah so quickly. As a mother of two daughters, and a sister of a sibling suicide, Hannahs pain was like a mirror to my own, and it was very painful to see her so wounded. So quickly into the heart of what matters, it was a joy to see Hannah understand and accept that, while her pain was real, she had a choice to manage that pain differently. Tony also removed the option of suicide and contracted her with the promise that she would never see it as an option, which was vital in her recovery. She came to understand that her parents were also hurting and needed support, thus couldn’t always be as present to her as she would have wanted and needed. Tony helped her to survive, and too see that blame was fanning the fire of anger, when she could stop blaming and start understanding that her parents were only people and that their problems began not because of hannah, she was free to love them unconditionally as I’m sure they love her. Hannah grew up that day, and will continue to grow into a beautiful strong woman, with some invaluable tools for life, that i wish my family had had growing up. Love the work so much!!!
I was at this event and I remember how powerful it was. My sister Tracie is the one who helped Hannah with the burping experience. It was great to see the follow up with Hannah and her family. Keep up the great work Tony Robbins…You are so in your calling!! You are forever loved and appreciated!
Sincerely,
Julie Lindley
What a fantastic and insightful session.Such an inspiration. Thankyou so much
Hello to all again,
Attention, humor and a hug are great for a teenager, but understanding that everyone belongs to a group and there might be some other problems within other group’s members is excellency.
Knowing how to deal with the whole situation in less than an hour is mastery!
The text that comes with the recorded session is technically priceless, but I’d rather “stick” to pointing out the environment of energy and joy of living that we may notice throughout the meeting and beyond.
Only high level professionals can achieve that.
Congratulations, once more, and best wishes to all,
Paulo Teller
Tony is an angel here on earth…. He is one of my GREATEST teachers & I’m thankful for him every day!
Much love & light
~Aneeta
Your mastery in motion in just a few compact minutes has me sharing this with my daughter & her man for their 9yr old son…..amazing insight…Thank You!
Thank You for sharing this.
What a powerfull girl, the power all teenagers have.
It touched me and i burst into tears. Can definately relate it to my own daughter who is 12. She recently had a similar crises because of our divorse 1,8 year ago, and the difficulties that followed. It takes two parents to cooperate, but now finally the father is listening to what she needs. And this makes me realize what I can also set her free of this.
[...] What To Assume About Your Child – Robbins-Madanes Training [...]
Hi Tony, i loved the way you worked so simply with Hannah and how you got Hannah to change states by the burping, and how very interesting that as soon as youn seen her go into her own story, you changed her state? amazing the state change!!!!
i have a friend whos daughter is 12 who self harms by cutting her arms!!! and has been doing this for a while.
I think this will possibly and hopefully, give the family more understanding of the family dynamics.
a BIG THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SHARING, this makes such a differance in family lives.
[...] http://robbinsmadanescoachtraining.com/?p=1408 Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted in Life and tagged Tony Robbins by Caroline. Bookmark the permalink. [...]
Dear Tony,
I was profoundly moved by the story of Hannah. You have a true gift with people. Your success with Hannah in an hour’s time was remarkable. I have taken many principles from the video and hope I have the courage, patience, and trust to use them with my Family, husband and children. I wish you continued success in the future.
Thanks Cloe and Mark for explaining the intervention steps. It is priceless to have someone take this masterpiece and explain it so that we all can further learn, understand and question. Please keep posting videos. I love seing lives changing and massive breakthroughs, and arching tools in my mind. Thanks for your work, God Bless!
Thank you Tony. I am nearly always speachless at your interventions! I remain in awe how you can have breakthroughs quickly! If I could follow you doing these interventions, I totally would go for the ride. One day I will be just as good (nah, better… So keep raising the bar!) I am currently writting 2 book and I just may quote you!
Honestly Tony, thank you for mastering your techniques and your life and thank you for your contribution. God bless you and yours! We should do dinner or a walk with both our families! Thanks for helping Hanna!
And Hanna, way to go girl! Way to make an impact in many lives! Not only your imidiate family but also those who watch you now. You have a purpose young lady! Look above to the messages… Or below… And what a way to free your voice! Let your soul and being sign… Congrats on living your dream.
Fellow watchers and readers. My challenge to you is to take one thing that you learned (assimilated) whilst watching the video and take action (incorporate it somehow).
As Tony would say: Live with passion!
I agree with your nick name GENTLE GIANT.
Thanks again for this point of view of family problems.
God bless you Tony.
[...] [Video] Amazing coaching skills of Tony Robbins, with detailed explanation and hints by Madanes: http://robbinsmadanescoachtraining.com/?p=1408 [...]
TONY, You are just so great, wonderful and GIFTED person that your mission is to help and guide the people who are being inspired by your goodself…. You have helped them renew and enlightened up their minds and lives. God Bless You always and more power to you.
This is an excellent peice of work and actually reassures me that I am on the right track with my daughters best friend who has OCD! But the issue is that she is jealous of the relationship her Mum has with her elder sisiter and her child!
Thank You x
Incredible video!! Tony I saw you in 1988 and again this year in San Jose!! I have taught college for 24 years and love it and can not give you enough praise and encouragement to keep doing what you are doing!! You truly touch peoples lives in a positive manner!!
Take Care,
Brian
Brian@PowerCnetwork.net
This video was so powerful, the tears are flowing..
Ive been on a journey through joy achievements self destruction love pain and now contentment and acceptance, with you in my headphones for ten years, loved this film , i have privilege to help offenders and others now and get paid for this THANKS for what you do for many and the individuals out here love you to visit the uk and meet with you your welcome to sit at my table with my family for a meal any time Regards Ramon
he is fantastic i just got the answer that i was looking for a very long time thank u so much tony robins.
I have tears of joy for the success you have given this family and all of us watching and who were there on the day, we all learned a great deal from Hannah’s persective of life. Thanks Hannah for your bravery.
I have been working with alcoholics for the past 29 years and all stop emotionally maturing at the first drinks, regardless of age. I found several good points in Tony’s session that I will attempt to use with them. I attempted suicide when I was 14. I am an alcoholic in recovery. Many of us failed to learn and/or use acceptable social behaviors. Why is not important here.
I will use anything I can to help another drunk, regardless of where I find it.
Thank you.