Here’s the full-length film of Tony’s work with Hannah. Then scroll down for 3 strategies for you to use at home with your child 
Despite the great variety of family and parenting styles in the world, there is one basic assumption we Strategic Interventionists find to be helpful in most any situation. The assumption is: in any family unit, the child is trying to be helpful, even if it takes an unhelpful form. Hannah was a loving, reasonable, intelligent thirteen year old girl who suffered from despondency and suicide attempts. Why? Well, turns out that her negative behavior was a benevolent but misguided attempt to keep her parents together. By keeping the parents distracted, in a state of emergency, they were “forced” to cooperate and cohabitate. And so Hannah’s emotional troubles served, in a weird way that was only perceived by her, to “rescue” the family. Now, the truth is that these unhelpful behaviors weren’t actually helping her parents. Hannah’s crisis didn’t make the parents happy, it kept them distracted. When Tony understood her underlying intention, when he understood her helpful reasons for her unhelpful behaviors, he understood how she could change her behavior permanently within that one conversation.
Here are three take-aways for you from this session:
1. UNDERSTAND THE INTENTION
Children are often trying to help, even if it takes an unhelpful form. When a child has a challenge or behavior that is hard to understand, consider the possibility that the problem behavior is the child’s way of trying to distract you from something else. A child has very little power in the family – except to demand and direct your attention. For instance, a small child’s tantrums may be benevolent attempts to distract the parents from other problems in the family – for instance a disagreement between the parents. A teenager’s sulkiness may mask concern about the family, the parents, or a sibling. The child’s behavior may actually be unhelpful, because children don’t understand the adult world, but the behavior succeeds in distracting people from a more threatening relationship problem.
Your take-away: If a child is continuously displaying a behavior that disrupts the family pattern, ask yourself: how could he/she be trying to help the family? How is this problem distracting our focus from another source of tension or stress?
2. REASSURE THE CHILD
If you want to replace an unhelpful behavior, show your child in a reassuring way that the behavior is not necessary. If a child’s problem has been distracting from, for examples, the parents’ arguments, then reassure the child that the parents will be able to manage their relationship in a good way. For instance, the parents can reassure the child that they love each other, or they can unite in positive family activities. When the parents reassure the child that they can get along, they show the child that they don’t need to be “rescued” by a problem or crisis. How can you reassure your child that you’re doing well? Parents can do something concrete to improve their relationship – like setting up a date night once or twice a week. When the child sees the parents are able to handle any tensions or issues with each other, the child won’t feel needed as a “rescuer” and will be more able to let go of the distracting behavior.
Your take-away: When your child has a disruptive problem, ask yourself, “how could I reassure my child in a loving way that I can handle this?” Remember – the child is doing this from love and care. You need to respond with love, reassurance, and care as well.
3. GUIDE THE NEW BEHAVIOR
Guide the child find other more positive ways of helping you. If he or she has been getting your attention with their tantrums, give them something else they can do that will automatically get your attention. For instance, create a ritual where every evening he or she can invite you to play a board game, and you must accept the invitation. Take up a hobby together that you do for 15 minutes a day. Sometimes a child will take great pride in organizing a special dinner for the parents at home, with special table settings and candlelight. Empower your child to get your attention in good ways, and to help you in ways that are positive and not destructive, and the old behaviors will be replaced.
Your take away: If your child is getting your attention through tantrums and problem behaviors, give your child MANY ways to get your full attention without requiring the problem. You can even give you child a “code word.” Tell your child “Whenever you use this magic word, you will always get my full attention, and I will help you.” This will reassure your child and teach them to find better ways to get your input.
Questions? Thoughts? Please share below. We will be announcing a free teleclass and would love to answer your questions.
Warmly,
Mark Peysha
CEO and cofounder
Robbins-Madanes Training
Every time I watch your videos,it makes me tearful. You are amazing Tony and I always pray for you and your family welfare and a long life to help more people. You truely serving your purpose and God bless you brother.
Thank you for touching more lives.
I was laughing and crying all through. My son, in his mid forties is still angry that I left my wife for 2 years when he was young, before returning home. Well thats my thought anyway. Moving house several times also affected him I believe. So thanks for the video. I will share the link with others. Lots of lessons to be learned. Still don’t understand why my dad beat the crap out of the eldest 9 of his kids. I have stopped hating him, whats the point?
Hey Tony
I have started coaching and one day only hope I can be as amazing as you are! Well done! The contribution and difference you make to peoples lives is inspiring.
I have 2 step children, teenagers and they challenge me like there is no tomorrow, I struggle with the angressive beahviour because they just dont know how to express themselves emotionally so it just turns to rage.
When you are in Australia it would be amazing if we could connect – blended families are such a challenge thats for sure. I am sure that there are many people that would love to see you.
How do you teach kids to own their behaviour and that it’s ok to express yourself?
I would be amazed to hear your thoughts.
THANK YOU FOR SUCH AN AMAZING, INSPIRATION & WORTH LESSON. TONY HAS BEEN A BLESSING FOR ME IN MANY, MANY WAYS. GOD BLESSED YOU TONI.
I just saw the video and I find this incredible!The way Tony has transformed a mega problem of child psychology to a tiny miniature it is extra-ordinary. And I still find it hard to see the effect he left on Hannah in just an hour’s interaction which probably can not be brought even by month’s of therapy. Well done Tony!
Dear Tony,
just one week ago I saw your unbelievable work live in London on the UPW-Seminar. It gave me so many eyeopening moments that I’m still overwhelmed and it’s working in me all the time, I can not sleep because of all the thoughts and feelings. But what I really had to see to finally start the changing process was this film. Now I seem to finally understand, that I’m not responsible for my parents problems and that I’m still in this pattern, even at the age over 30. It’s time to release my parents and me.
I thank you so so so much for this insight. Your work is undescriably worthy.
God bless you.
With the deepest “thank you” from my loving heart.
Franca
Something that stroke me up was Tony mentioning that a girl/woman needs to feel understood. I guess that for them feeling understood might sometimes bring them a sense of love. Correct me if I’m wrong! I’ve had several experiences with woman friends, even with married ones, who ended up falling for me just because I was being understanding. One of them even thought I was a gay man! LOL
Dear Tony,
What an incredible impact your intervention had on Hannah. It was so inspiring and truly awesome. I find myself in the opposite situation though. I feel I am always trying to rescue my daughter and over parent though she is an adult. She suffers from depression. We are a single parent family. Do you have any teleclasses I could watch that would help?
Thank you so much for your ministry in holding families together.
Vel
mind boggling, we have thank G-d 7 children and had a spectrum of “normal” childrearing issues. I would never have categorized it like that. but now coming to think of different patterns of obnoxious behaviour I can perceive that pattern.
vow, awesome.
who would have thought…. What we thought as the bad, destructive kid, all but comes from that beautiful spot of wanting to help the family, that in itself already flips the coin and makes me, the parent look at the child positively and lovingly and my angry, critical and destructive words/thoughts/ behaviours vanish and are slowly being replaced.
thank you
b. koehler
I am very interested in this Training? When will there be more information about how to begin?
Thank You
Kim
My daughter is 19 and has a lot of the same feelings regarding me her dad. Mom used her @ 14 against me, had her testify against me in family court. Teaching her hatred and confusing her about love. I every day tell her I love her and giving her discipline so she can go out one day have her family and provide love to her children. She is cold and hot, I never get her to tell me she loves me unless she wants something kind of like her mom. I try telling her every day that God loves her and to have a blessed day. I believe if i am positive regardless she will come around.
Thank you for reassuring me that with love and positiveness we can help our daughters come around!
What a great video one of the most impressive videos I have seen. I admire Tony’s ability to create rapport and be congrugent with Hannah and create a shift within her. Truly amazing. It is such an inspiration.
Just one word: AWESOME!!!
tony converts the problems in opportunity within a moment…
how incredible…
tony changed my life forever.
loveeeeee you tony
god bless you
God bless you Anthony Robbins.
Tony,
Thank you for publishing these videos. They are so timely!
I look forward to getting more information about you trainings sessions.
What a masterful intervention with Hannah; she is a courageous and insightful young lady, and Tony is, indeed, a very gifted and skilled individual driven by an enormous capacity to serve others. How blessed that we all have the opportunity to share in his gifts. Our Creator has used this man as an instrument, and how fortunate are we that we can internalize this knowledge and pay it forward through our own service. Thank you, Hannah, for yourloving heart that wanted to heal and protect, and for your courage to find a more empowering way to be helpful. Thank you, Tony, for your heartfelt passion to serve, which drives the work from which we can all grow and create positive change in the world.
Extracting meaningful exerpts and interpretation thereof from such a dynamic interaction in order to create a training tool is no easy undertaking and requires an extraordinary repretoire of skill and knowledge. Chloe Madanes and Mark Peysha are also deserving of significant gratitude for their commitment to such inspiring service. From my perspective, it speaks highly of the training that they offer to promote positive tranformation in any walk of life. Many thanks, then, to Tony, Chloe, and Mark for your talents and the willingness to share and encourage others to do the same. Here’s to creating a more peaceful and passionate world – one positive transformation at a time! Warmly, Sunflower
I believe this is my favorite video – the warmth and compassion really shows – I love this video – thank you so much
I am in awe of this miracle of transformation……..
Tony,
Thank you for saying YES to the universe in the work you do. My son actually committed suicide ten years ago, and I have had a remarkable journey as a result. Your inspirational service is helping so many. May the life force continue to strengthen within you.
A must viewing for parents!
My God!
What a great man he is! Let me repeat the words of Hannah’s mother. “God is definitely using you to serve.” I am repeating these words 100 thousands times. Apart from that the video is a gives a lesson to the parents in one hand what to do for their children and also on the other hand for teenagers, like Hannah, showing that they shouldn’t care about the issues they are not responsible for.
hi tony i hope you can talk to me by ph want you get my email thank you god bless you
I wish I read this 2 years ago, me and my wife argued almost daily, my daughter started cutting her arms with a razor. Up to now I have never understood the reason or the psychology behind her behavior.
Her mom freaked out, one thing let to the other and we separated to be divorced a year and half ago.
Unfortunately, my daughter is still problematic even though the self-harming behavior has stopped.
She has experimented with alcohol, marijuana and cigarettes, I now have new knowledge, I will try to use it to change things.
Thank you and may God bless you.
Ed
I heard about Tony from someone but did not think there was anything he could do for me. I thought that I had myself all worked out but still could not form a good loving relationship in my life.This video is exactly what I needed and would love to attend a seminar.
Every time I watch your videos I cry, I truly wish you could fix my broken family.
Outstanding! The range of emotions that your videos take me through is, in itself, a learning curve. I am very interested to hear more about your coaching program as I would love to be able to help others, and myself, move forward in into a life full of love for humanity.
Viv xxx
Tony and Cloe, this was a wonderful video! I had never watched Tony before and was so impressed with his interventions, and with your analysis, Cloe. I would like to see more. I am a practicing MFT in CA and it is very exciting to watch this method.
Thank you for the opportunity to see these!
Best,
Ruth
I have four beautiful daughters who are all having to witness problems that their Mum and I are experiencing. I have been struggling for many, many months with what has been going on and have always had the girls best interests at heart. After watching this video, I realise that I have be so selfish in what I thought was my understanding of the situation. I’ve not been thinking of how my girls have been feeling, much less how my wife is feeling. I need to re-evaluate my feelings and emotions and try harder to understand the situation from all who are involved, not just from my perspective. Thank you Tony for input, all be it remote. you have truly had an impact on my life and probably through implication, my daughter’s and my wife’s.
tony you are so incredible I saw the way that you change Hanna’s way of thinking felling and understanding and I think that you are a special person and I thank to God to have people like you in this worl
you make the difference in our life thank you and blessing to you and your family
Maria
This was such and intense and emotional video for me. I am the mother of 13 and an 7 year old girls and I now see them in a new light. This brigns up my responsability towards them in many ways. They model after me as their primary role model, and they model my husband and I as their relationship role models. I was able to discover some of the not so positive ways I give them as an example and become aware that everithing I do, and everithing we do as a couple will have a direct effect on them. I knew it but only when I saw it in Hanna was I able to really understand it. I could not help but cry many times over the film both of sandness and joy. It was an amazing film, Tonny at his best! As he ussualy is. I feel so fortunate to be able to see this material.